So, I just put on hats and kept on going. You might think, "Well, why rush it anyway? Just keep the hair around until it really starts to look bad." But, having great handfuls of hair come off every time you brush your hair or even try to style it, is really annoying. And having all that hair in your hats and scarves is annoying too. So, after my niece left yesterday, I headed to the hairdresser's to have it shaved off. They are very nice -- you get your chemo head shaved for free!
I find it interesting that I basically feel OK about this whole thing, not really seriously freaked or scared at all, or even sad. But then as soon as I go to tell someone, like telling the hair person that I had come to get my hair shaved since it was falling out, I get all choked up. I have noticed that at other times in trying to let people know. I think this is weird and unfortunate, because it makes me seem all upset when really (REALLY) I am not.
I don't think I'm in denial here. I don't have bad dreams about this, I don't find myself daydreaming or worrying about it or even thinking about it much. I have previously noticed my own tendency to get choked up whenever I try to pass along distressing information about myself. Job loss, divorce, etc. I wonder if I'm embarrassed to admit "bad" things about myself? Maybe this is some weird pride thing happening? Any suggestions from you-all, about if that happens to you and when/why?
Here is my only thought so far about why you might get choked up, even though you are not really stressed. I found that when I read your blog I was shocked. Since this is stupid, of course, it must mean that I was apparently believing at some inner level that you were going to be in the 5% that don't lose their hair. This despite the fact that I involved myself in the Great Scarf and Hat Project.
ReplyDeleteSo maybe getting choked up is evidence of the fact that you too are shocked at some inner level. Not necessarily upset or stressed, but shocked.
I very much hope that some of your friends have insights better than this one.
Let us try to isolate causal factors, Dr. Winniford. Do you get choked up ANYTIME you talk (orally) to someone about cancer related things? Anytime you talk to someone NEW about cancer related things?
ReplyDeleteNo, not anytime. Usually only happens with someone new, someone who doesn't already know. And it is not just cancer related things, but any "bad" thing about myself.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it is THEIR look of shock/sadness that unleashes a sympathetic response in me? I do find I almost always cry or tear up if someone I'm talking to starts crying or tears up. Equal response. Not that the people I tell often choke up. But it does seem like it is some response I am making to the person I'm telling.
Ok, now I remember when this happened to me last. Several years ago I was telling a friend in my department that I did not have enough publications, and it seemed quite possible that I would be fired. She had not known this. I was trying to relate this as a "heads-up" piece of information for her, but I did get choked up. I think I was embarrassed that she had to witness my inadequacy, that I wasn't "just fine" like all the rest of the professors.
ReplyDeleteTurns out here years later that several of the rest of the professors were NOT "just fine" and I haven't been fired yet. Which demonstrates that our emotions are not necessarily reliable indicators of the truth of anything. ;-)
Hi MA,
ReplyDeleteI think the literalness of saying something out loud makes it far more real than "talking" about it in your own head or through electronic means to others in which case it seems to be more of an abstraction. And, I know this is a VERY human and natural reaction (my sisters and I experienced it all the time with my sister Katie). It is cathartic and you should not be embarrassed or perplexed by it. You are a wonderful person and part of your "wonderfulness" is that you are not afraid of your own humanity. Blubber all you need to ...
RM