The Final Chapter!

I got the "All Clear" from my CAT scan the other day! Hurray, hurray! At this point I continue to take my hormone-blocking pills - for 5 years - and just get regular mammogram check-ups.

I quit wearing my wig earlier this month. It just got too hot! I would come in from walking back from my office, in the 95 degree heat, and whip that sucker off! Then, someone would come to the door unexpectedly and I would answer it - totally forgetting that I had "no hair on." It was funny: friends would be looking at me wide-eyed, but not saying anything about it. I would be thinking "What's up with them?" Until I looked in the mirror and thought OH! It's funny how people don't comment on something really obvious.

Here are two latest pictures of my SHORT short hair. I kind of like it. A couple people have said it makes me look younger (which I doubt) or hipper (certainly true). Nancy and I came up with the term "soccer mom" for my look with the wig. I am still holding off going to the stylist, even though it needs even-ing up. They will cut it too much and I'll be back where I was when I didn't have the nerve to wear it.

Not all my hair actually fell out after I got it shaved. Some hairs (maybe 10%) continued to grow. So they were about 1.5 inches longer than the newly grown hair. It was like a Persian cat's guard hairs. I had my daughter go after them with the scissors. I continue to snip hairs that stick out beyond the rest.

The one thing I'm not sure I like about this short hair is that it doesn't balance the rest of my body. I think having bigger hair made my head better match my bigger body. Now I feel like I look like a pin-head. Oh well. I'm on a diet. Both being overweight and drinking alcohol possibly contribute to breast cancer. Not a direct link, but a "more women with these conditions develop breast cancer. "

I still have to get my port out. I had someone ask me the other day, when I was wearing a swim suit, if it was a pace maker! I had sort of forgotten that it was even there, so that was a reminder to go ahead and get that out. It's a last reminder of my year of cancer, anyway. It was just about one year ago that I had the "annual" check up that started this whole thing.

I have my sister Nancy to thank for suggesting I do this blog. I hope it has helped folks keep "abreast" of my situation, treatments, mental states etc. (Sorry for the bad pun - there haven't been enough of them lately!) And now I will sign off. I don't expect to write again. Thanks for reading and caring and being supportive. I couldn't have done this without all of you.

Wow! All done!

It seems amazing that this whole ordeal is OVER, for now! I finished my 7 weeks of radiation yesterday. For the first time in 7 weeks I did not have a 7:45 am appt for radiation. I celebrated by staying home and not taking my kids to school (they can walk or bike, but have been getting a ride since I went right by their schools at 7:30). I stayed home, cleaned house a bit and just had a relaxing morning. Yay!

The radiation did turn out much worse than I was expecting and had heard it would be. For small breasted women it appears the breast tissue doesn't get as burned as us big-breasted sisters. Alas! Although, one of my petite friends said "Well, at long last -- that's my first positive for small breasts!" So, I guess life evens out over the long run.

It turned out that the biggest problem with my radiation was actually a rampant yeast infection under my breast. You may recall I got a yeast infection after the surgery too, and we battled for a diagnosis. I have noticed slight yeast issues in the summer for many years - due to sweat, moisture, darkness, etc. But with the radiation burn the yeasties got out of control, and were the cause of the big raw swath of skin (about the size of a letter envelope). The doctor gave me an anti-fungal cream, a spray and a powder. The cream and spray hurt like spraying myself with an acetylene torch, for several minutes. So, I couldn't bring myself to do THAT very often! It seemed wrong to put powder on such raw flesh, so I didn't use it, either. And the powder hurt, too, just not as much. Finally, I convinced the doctor to give me a prescription and it was cleared up in 3 days!

Always remember: you know a lot about your own chemistry and your own probable causes of symptoms. Be proactive and complain loudly if things aren't going right. Make strong suggestions. I've had to do that with BOTH these yeast infections. I guess yeast must be uncommon so they aren't looking out for it.

Once I cleared up the yeast infection, I was back to "just a sunburn," which was not so bad. Ugly, yes. Think of how ground beef turns gray in the skillet before it turns brown - that was the color of my skin! It is now peeling in gritty little bits and the breast is still fairly red. However, it's been red ever since my second surgery, so I may have a lobster sitting on my chest for a long while. It's also still larger than the other, but already seems to be going down in size some.

Best of all, I can sleep again without waking up in pain! I can turn over without "noticing" which breast I'm leaning on.

As my chemo wears off, some of my body is getting back to normal, as well. This isn't all good, ladies! Would you mind if your armpits didn't smell? How about those annoying little hairs on your chin - would you miss them?? Yes, it's all coming back to me now. Hair on my legs, too. Oddly, the hair on my public bone is not coming back very fast. Looks really weird, let me tell you. I didn't even notice it, since I'm not as slim as I was and don't look THAT closely in my full length mirror very often. My girls noticed it but didn't say anything until I brought it up. Their comment was "Yes, it's very disturbing." (Poor things! They've been troopers!)

And, yes, the hair on my head is coming back! It's now almost as long as Annie Lennox's hair from 1980s ("Who's That Girl?" era, see picture). I'm still keeping the wig but it's nicer to have some hair to see when I get out of the shower, instead of Tom Waits looking back at me in the mirror. (Now THAT'S a shocker!)

For now, I am all done. I go back for a PET scan (the one that specifically finds cancer cells) in about 4 months, I believe. It's been a LONG winter, but in some ways it's gone faster than it ever seemed it could. I thank all my friends and family for supporting me, and reading my blog. I don't know when I'll write again, but I'm going to keep it around and we'll see what comes up.

Now, I'm going to concentrate on summer and having some fun with my family! And I hope you all do too! Enjoy every minute of every day as much as you can, and always laugh when you have the opportunity. Especially at yourself!

Half way through radiation!

I have a total of 33 treatments to do, and I finished the 17th yesterday (Apr 9). Now that I've done 3 weeks worth, the side effects are becoming noticeable. That breast is quite red; looks like a bad sunburn. However, the sunburn line is conveniently below most of my shirt necklines, except for the lowest. Amazing how much cleavage has become fashionable, isn't it? Also amazing how accurate the laser can be.

Worse than just being "colorful," though, is the painful sunburn feeling. It seems strange, but the only place that it is bad is underneath my breast. I can see that it is even darker than the rest of the skin and is very tender to abrasion. However, so far I can't really feel any rubbing when I have a bra on.

I am still taking naps and find that I get tired early if I don't (like about 8:30pm). However, next week I will be in a 40 hr training for Census, so I'll see if I can make it through without crashing. If I do well, I have a chance to be a Crew Leader, which even pays more. However, it would be a 40 hour week, plus the 10 hrs I already work as an admin, with radiation on top. I guess I'll just do what I can and see what happens.

Spring has sprung here in the Grand Valley! My forsythia is a fountain of yellow and I have white and purple hyacinths blooming next to my blue house. Very pretty! The winter of my discomfort is almost over!

The New Wig!

Yes, indeed, I did find a wig and here are some pictures.

I think it reminds me of Martha Stewart. Or Dorothy Hamill 30 years later. It looks as if I have dark hair (which matches my eyebrows) but have lightened the top of it -- perhaps it was going gray on top?? So the roots are darker and the hair along the nape is dark.

I tried on several curly wigs, since my hair is curly, but they all looked "frowzy" and old-fashioned. So, this one is a fairly straight style on top, but it has some curl to it on the sides and the back.

Here's a second picture. (Only look at the wig, there's a very strange look/expression on my face.) You can see the darker underlay better in this one, also hopefully see that the back near the nape is very dark. It's very hip -- doesn't try to look natural at all, just light on top and dark on the bottom.

I love this wig! I think I'm never going to bother to grow my hair out -- I'll just always wear this wig! In the morning I just give it a shake and pull it on. Easier even than my no-fuss hairstyles. Well, I suppose summer swimming with a wig is not recommended. And it will probably be hot once the weather warms up. Anyway, it will do fabulously well for the next couple months.

And, no, I don't wear it all the time. It is a bit tight -- which is a good thing, one doesn't want it falling off or getting askew -- but it gives me a headache after several hours. So, I wear it when I'm going out somewhere other than my radiation appts.

Radiation is still going fine. No soreness. I am taking naps more, but then I always seem to take naps if I don't have work to do in the afternoon. Census work has stopped again for a while but will pick up again in April, we think.

New hair

My hair is just barely beginning to grow in -- about a quarter inch long, except for a few hairs that didn't ever fall out and that are now about an inch long. It looks very strange. All the hair is gray/white -- no dark roots coming up at all. I did still have some dark hair when I started this. Mostly, though, it still looks like scalp with a little fuzz. A peach of a head! :^)

Today I tried to go to the American Cancer Society office after my radiation treatment, because I hear they have a lot of free wigs, but they weren't open that early. Now that it's spring, many of my hats seem odd -- they are decidedly winter hats -- so I'm thinking maybe a wig will be an interesting change. I did get one wig at the Look Good, Feel Better session back in January, but it is platinum blonde and doesn't suit me. The short cut of it looks OK, just too blonde!

My bucket hat still looks cute and spring-y with colorful scarves. And there ARE nice spring hats, but I'm not sure I feel like buying any since I never wore hats before. A free wig sounds like a good spring solution, although they are hot and I may decide by summer that ball caps are perfectly fine. I always abhorred ball caps before, not sure why. Too "masculine" I guess, just like I never liked polo shirts. My personality is already masculine enough (strong, loud, intelligent, pushy) that I guess I compensate by wearing more feminine clothes. Huh, I never thought about that before!

Happy Spring!

"Half No-Time"

That's a quote from Alice in Wonderland, one of my favorite books. I'm referring to the length of the radiation blasts. It is literally 15 seconds in each of 2 positions. Amazing that such a little thing can have any effect at all.

The whole process from start to finish is less than 15 minutes. I am the first appointment of the day at 7:45am, and they are not even ready for me most times. I drive from dropping K&L off at school directly to the Cancer Center, which is only blocks away. I remove my clothes from the waist up, put on a gown and wait for the technicians to be ready. I guess the folks before me have always been late -- the technicians seem surprised when I am ready and waiting at 7:45.

In the radiation room I lie on my back on the plank, with my head and arms in the molded "pillow" we made before. The two technicians take a little time lining me up and then leave the room. I stay for two 15 second blasts from the radiation machine, and then it's over and I'm off to dress.

The machine is very cool; it's shaped like a big sweater shaver. It has a big circular, flat head about 2 feet across, on an arm that comes up from under the bed. The whole thing revolves around me. The first position is about "2 o'clock," about 2 feet from my head. Then it rotates around to about "8 o'clock" under the bed for the second blast.

I don't feel a thing. It isn't scary or even nerve-wracking. There are green lines of light that I guess are used to make sure things are lined up correctly. The head of the machine is a glass plate with the green lines making cross-hairs. I look at that for a while. Then I tend to close my eyes - I don't know why. Makes the time pass more comfortably, I guess.

Last week I had the first 2 sessions of 32 sessions total - 6 & 1/2 weeks of 5 days a week. I don't feel any effects yet. I have been taking naps, but I'm not sure that's related. Tiredness is the most common side effect people have told me.

Yesterday the girls and I went on a geocache hike in honor of the Spring equinox, with some other UU folks. I felt out of shape and my knee is still bothering me, but other than that I felt fine. It was a nice easy hike up to a view of the whole Grand Valley, Grand Mesa, Bookcliffs and the Colorado Monument. Hurray -- winter is over and I am recovering!

Look, Ma! My first tattoos!

My first appointment for radiation was to make sure they could easily "line me up" for the radiation lasers. So, I lie down on CT scan "bed", which is a hard, narrow plank really. They put a molding pillow under my head and I put my arms over my head, also sinking them into the pillow. The pillow is then hardened so it will exactly fit the shape my head and arms, so I can get into the right position more easily.

Next the technicians look through their viewers to make sure my left breast is where they want it to be for the laser. After moving me slightly around and making everything perfect, they put 3 tattoos on me. One in the middle of my breasts and one on each side in my arm pits. Unfortunately, they wouldn't do a flower or even a little star... ;^) Actually, the tattoos look pretty much like some of the freckles/moles on my arms. About the size of a pencil lead and dark. They tattoo them on so that they won't wash off over the next 7 weeks. I also get a lecture about not using anything on the skin of my breast except for the cream they give me. No deodorant or hand lotion.

I will start next Wednesday (3/17 -- luck of the Irish be with me!) with a "simulation" where I do through a dry run to make sure everything lines up and the radiation plan the doctor designs is right. Then the real thing the next day at 7:45am and every weekday thereafter for 6.5 weeks. So I should be done by April 30. I'm glad I got the 7:45 time, because then I can drop the girls off at school, head for radiation, and get on with my day by 8:15 or so. The actual radiation is only 15 minutes, so with undressing and dressing again, maybe a half hour each day.

They also warned me about the possible side effects, which the radiation oncologist has said may be worse for me because my breasts are large. Maybe that means they give me more radiation, but I'm not sure. It sounds like a mild to severe sunburn: redness, itching, possibly peeling, hopefully not really severe skin disintegration, like some people on the web have reported. There will also be tiredness, probably starting after a couple weeks, that increases with more treatments.

I'm planning to be pretty much OK for 4 weeks, then I'll only have 2.5 weeks to go. Doesn't sound too bad. Of course, as you all know, I'm an optimist. But also strong and with big energy reserves. And I always have the last resort: I know that eventually I will be done with all this and all I really have to do is wait and it will be over.